thoughts from the Older
A few days ago the earth completed a 32nd spin around the sun for me. Cosmically speaking, this is insignificant, not even a blink on the temporal scale of what matters. However, I find myself focusing more thoughts on this event than in years past.
The source of these thoughts are not new, rather they come from years of wondering and self-flagellation. When asked if he had any regrets, William Burroughs’s is said to have commented, “everyday”. I have tried to place myself in an opposite mindset, trying to force myself to have no guilt, no doubt and no regrets. But I am fighting a human condition developed possibly over thousands of years of evolution, hell, maybe its a necessary condition for learning and survival, no matter how uncomfortable it might be.
Have no doubt, I have made mistakes, large ones, which will affect my thoughts and life till my untimely death. And then there have been other things, not mistakes, but rather inactions, shadow voids of what I should have done, had I the conviction to do them. As each year goes by, these things weigh heavier on me. But rather then dwell on this, I have always tried to keep a forward momentum on my psyche, a focus on what is to come, rather than what was failed.
But this year, this year is one of the first where, I question the possibilities of “what is to come”, where I wonder if inaction has an inverse, where the comfort of the pattern may be too much.
I have determined that I will continue to try, to fix past wrongs by changing my future, but that shadow does not go far, it waits and bides its time for the next revolution of planet and star.
Send your hopeful thoughts my way, I fear I’ll need them.